maliase 2.

started cleaning out my studio and almost cried for all the "wrong" reasons. not because i'll miss it. i've done a good job of distancing myself from it. but because i wasnt sad about leaving it. just an overwhelming feeling of sadness about the whole place and the whole thing. wondering... sometimes if i made the wrong decision but there are no "wrong" decisions ... it got me somewhere. i learned something. theres just this uneasy disdain for it, a..... "well, that was fun" in s satirical voice.
also, dont want to take my "goodbye forever (see you tomorrow)" note down; think that makes me the most somber.

maliase.

worried, anxious and adding vitamins to the mix of daily little capsules; because my best friends mom told me i should (i couldnt ask for a better friend). all these little concentrated hormones, and chemicals in an attempt to makes me not have babies and not sleep so god damn much. its all entirely frustrating; i hate taking pills and dealing with doctors but i can admit when it is necessary. i can also tell when its not helping, and so far none of it is.
fuck.

a day among others

spring is coming into view. dates and other significant things are approaching ever so fast; somehow it feels normal. it all feels as it should, as if this is everyday; because it is. i'm freaking out about but not in the normal way, but in the excited cry, butterflies in your stomach sort of way though i know it wont all be fun an games, in fact most of it probably wont be.

i find myself in this constant stream of information and just plain stuff. though it may not seem to connect to you this all leads me to a thought i woke up with.
"i am a collector"

here is something for you to start with:
http://www.usdesignstudio.co.uk/

begining to think:

beginning to think:
i should have gone to school for architecture.
that i need to find a new way of working (artistically) that makes me happy.
i should have shaved my head months ago, instead of just cutting it short.
that i learn to become a seamstress.
about moving to savanna, for school.
or to europe.
that i'll be in school forever.
about peace corp groups.
i should be more assertive.
i should go to the doctor.
i wont be able to have a dog for years.
i should put people in their place, when they deserve it.
i should be less nervous.
i should push myself to stay awake more, rather than giving in.
i should make myself a sandwich.
i will never settle down, perhaps i need to find someone that is the same; with a rejection of most social constructs.
about that thing(s) that andrew said to me at the bar; you're right sir, but i dont know what else to do.
i should get another job, and start doing drugs to stay awake (just kidding about the drugs)
i should tackle smaller projects, since i can't seem to handle the big ones.
i should be better about my eating habits, since my french fry deliverer is out of commission for a while; you so deserve me sir, others may not but you certainly do.
that i fucking rule, despite how much i would like to improve about myself; thankyou matthew.

yep, really need to make that sandwich.
bye guys.

nostalgic.

stumbled upon some bits of past. old emails from less mature states of being.
i'm slowly getting used to the feeling of continuity; knowing people for long
amounts of time.


can't explain how much i miss this / this

communication:

i think it's funny how in most casual conversation instances people interact much the way deaf people do. in sign language everything is simplified into expression and necessary parts of the sentence. it's very much a 'cut the crap' way of communicating. and you're true emotion and intent is conveyed without you even realizing it. you have to be really good at lying to lie to a deaf person, they're observant. i wish more people were like that, or at least acknowledged that they were like that. since we are so prominent in word use people often ignore, or pretend not to notice body language and emotion. gah. i want to take more sign language classes, but i don't have the time in my schedule, i'll figure out a way.

i may not say much, but i am listening.